Hey, I swear that somewhere in the dark corners of my room, there is a secret tribe of single socks hiding and laughing their asses off at me...
Me: "Hey, I'd Like a Coke Please." Waiter: "Is Pepsi OK?" Me: "Is Monopoly Money Ok?"
3 men were drunk, they stopped a taxi. the taxi driver figured that they were drunk, he just switched on the engine & switched it off & told them, 'we've arrived'. the 1st guy gave him money, 2nd guy said thanks, but the 3rd guy slapped him. the taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them would realized that the car didn't move an inch. so he asked, what was that foro control your speed next time, you almost killed us.'
Two blondes were driving to Disneyland and the exit sign reads: DISNEYLAND LEFT. They started crying and headed home.
You wanna be freaked out?? Go to Google maps, type in 47.110579 9.227568, click the green arrow, select more then go to Street View. Go up two and left twice. Holy mother that's scary!!!!
daughter : '' hey mum me and my boyfriend are just going to my room. '' mum : '' ok dont do anything stupid '' * mum hears her daughter screaming ''BAABBY BAABBY BAABBYY OOHHHH'' !! * * mum rushes up stairs * mum : ''what are you doing !!?!??!!'' daughter : ''get out mum we are having sex !!.'' mum : ''ohhh thank god, i thought you were listening to justin bieber.''
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?" And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
You hear a noise in the middle of the night, Age 9: ''I GOING TO SLEEP IN MY MOMMY'S ROOM'', Age 13: ''Screw it, it is not even noon yet'', Age 16: cracks knuckles ''IT'S ON''
We defended the Stone, we found the Chamber, we freed the Prisoner, we were chosen by the Goblet, we fought alongside the Order, we learnt from the Prince, and we mastered the Hallows. We are the Harry Potter generation
I saw Daniel Radcliffe in the pub today. He was drinking from a bottle of whisky and crying uncontrollably. I said, "Whats up mate?" He said, "Its over .. its finished forever" I said, "Harry Potter?" He said, "No ... my whole career"
Bruno Mars: I wanna be a billionaire so freaking bad. Girl: Yeah me too. I need new clothes. Bruno Mars: No you dont. 'Cause girl you're amazing just the way you are. Girl: Really? You're like the only one who thinks that. Will you marry me? Bruno Mars: No but I'll catch a grenade for ya. Girl: Really? Even today? *Girl gets hit by grenade* Bruno Mars: Today I dont feel like doing anything.
The human brain is amazing....... It functions 24 hours a day from the time we were born, and only stops when we take exams
When I was younger, my dad used to show me pictures about why it's important to always wear a condom... Funny thing is, they were all just pictures of me...
DEAR HATERS, I COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE THAT.... 'awesome' ends with "me" and 'ugly' starts with "u"
If Spongebob lives in a circular pineapple;............. Why does the inside of his house have corners? O.o
What Guys Think Girls Do At Sleepovers: PILLOWFIGHT!!!!! What Girls Actually Do At Sleepovers: Dude, I'm hungry, let's eat.
"I wasn't that drunk" 'Dude, you were in my closet yelling "where the f*ck is narnia"'
**** When your Mom starts counting to 3 **** Mom: One! Me: Do you really think counting will make me do anything? Mom: Two! Me: Oh sh*t! I'm going, i'm going
Dad: Just killed a GIANT SPIDER near your room. Daughter: Thanks dad. You know me, I would have freaked out! Dad: Oh yeah, I left its body on the floor so the other bugs know not to mess with me.
The rule of text kisses: x - A friend xx - A good friend xxx - Your best friend xxxx - I fancy you xxxxx - I freaking love you xxxxxx - I'm just that little bit clingy.
Teacher : whoever answers my next question can go home. * one boy throws his bag out the window* Teacher : who just threw that?! Boy : Me! Im going home now.
the teacher puts 2x + 5x2
Everybody thinks that a girls dream is to find the perfect guy....... pppfffftttt yeah right, our dream is to eat without getting fat.
5 missed calls from your mate, you missed a good party last night. 5 missed calls from your best friend, they want to hang out. 5 missed calls from your girlfriend, she wants to talk. 5 missed calls from your Mum, YOUR SCREWED!!!!
Dear Mom & Dad, Please stop saying "Don't play with your food!" You spent the first two years of my life convincing me that it was a plane...
Monday- Ughh its Monday. Tuesday- Well at least its Tuesday. Wednesday- Wow, its already Wednesday. Thursday- Hey, tomorrow's Friday! Friday- :D Yes Weekend! Saturday- -PARTY- Sunday- CRAP tomorrow's MONDAY.
I'm 20 years old and i can't get a better job than at a fast food place; it's the only place that will hire a high school graduate. i'm socially awkward, and my only co-worker hates me. i'd complain, but my boss only cares about money. i'd leave, but i can't pass my drivers test, or any test i've ever taken. i'm in love with one of my only friends. she's a smart, athletic, gorgeous southern belle. but, i'm stuck in the friend zone. my only other friend is this guy, who i'm pretty sure only talks
There are 3 meanings behind 'Liking' someone's status. 1) I agree. 2) I realize this is about me so Im liking it to rub in your face 3) I want to bang you :)
Having voices in your head is normal. Listening to them, common. Arguing, acceptable. However, when you lose the argument, you're in trouble.
OMG!!!! Osama Bin Laden's name backwards is.............................. nedal nib amaso.... OK, it means absolutely nothing...
