A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian, - "This is the WORST book I've ever read!" "It has NO plot and far too many characters!" The librarian looks up and calmly remarks - "So, you're the one who took our phone book..."

After a long night of sex, the guy rolled over, got a cig and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one, "There might be some matches in the top drawer", she replied. He opened the drawer and found a box of matches sitting on top of a pic of a man *He began to worry* "This your husband?" he asked, "No silly," she replied, "Your boyfriend then?" he asked, "No not at all", she said nibbling away at his ear, "Well who is he then?" Calmly the girl replied "That's

daughter : '' hey mum me and my boyfriend are just going to my room. ''
mum : '' ok dont do anything stupid ''
* mum hears her daughter screaming ''BAABBY BAABBY BAABBYY OOHHHH'' !! *
* mum rushes up stairs *
mum : ''what are you doing !!?!??!!''
daughter : ''get out mum we are having sex !!.''
mum : ''ohhh thank god, i thought you were listening to justin bieber.''

You wanna be freaked out?? Go to Google maps, type in 47.110579 9.227568, click the green arrow, select more then go to Street View. Go up two and left twice. Holy mother that's scary!!!!

A mom beat her kid for days. A week later the boy asks if he can go to a friend's house and she says, "Sure but if you get stolen I ain't lookin' for you." So later the police pull up, they have the boy and a kidnapper and tell his mother, "He gave himself up to the kidnapper." And the mother asks why, the boy says, "Because you said if I get stolen you won't come looking for me." Click like if you are against child abuse.

Sorry Hun, but, unlike you, Im not the doorknob, where everyone gets a turn. Im more of a casino, where only the lucky ones, hit the Jackpot

A blonde walks into a store. Blonde: Can I get that T.V. in the corner please? Shopkeeper: Sorry, I don't serve blondes. The blonde goes and puts on a brunette wig. Blonde: Can I get that T.V. in the corner please? Shopkeeper: Sorry, I don't serve blondes. Frustrated the blonde puts on a redhead wig. Blonde: Can I get that T.V. in the corner please? Shopkeeper: Sorry, I don't serve blondes. Blonde: Damn it! How the hell'd you know I was a blonde! Shopkeeper: That's not a T.V. in the corner it's

I love how, in scary movies, the person yells out, "Hello?" As if the bad guy is gonna be like, "Yeah, I'm in the kitchen! Want a sandwich?"

One night a girl woke up in the middle of the night and heard a dripping sound. She got up and went to the kitchen to turn off the tap. As she was getting back into the bed she stuck her hand under the bed and the dog licked it. The dripping sound continued, so she went to the bathroom and turned off the tap properly in there, too. She went back to her bedroom and stuck her hand under the bed, and the dog licked it again. But the dripping continued, so she went outside and turned off the taps ou

A boy was almost beaten to death on his way to school, he was forced to strip all his clothes off, then they stole his phone and started to kick and punch him in the head before setting a dog on him. The sad thing is that 97% of people would just walk past, 2% would stand and watch, only 1% would try and help out. No one tried to help david out. Like this if your the 1% that would help.

Girl posts a picture of herself wearing a low top and her bra is showing through* *All of her friends comment, "Pretty!"* Why is that? Hun, that's not called being pretty. It's called being a whore.

At age 15, your dad excpects a hug when you come home, you thank him by going into your room. At age 18, he cries at your gradutation, you thank him by partying all night. At age 26 he pays for your wedding, you thank him by moving states. At age 50, he falls ill and you weren't there. He slowly dies, and it all came crashing down on your heart. If you love your dad, like this page.

Fb chat... Ex Bf: hey, so i want to say something to you but im too afraid too. Ex Gf: so say it in spanish :) lol. Ex bf: Ok. Te quiero mucho para que el bebe. i te extrano y te necesito de nuevo que no puedo vivir sin ti! Ex Gf: !!! I can't believe that you would say that to me! i hate you!**gets offline** *next morning boy hung himself. all because the girl didnt use google translate.

You: Teacher! Teacher: Yes? You: Can I ask you something? Teacher: Sure, go on. You: Would you punish me for something that I didn't do at all? Teacher: Of course not. You: Good, I didn't do my homework. Like if you get it.

TODAY, I saw a cute little six or seven year old girl wearing Hannah Montana socks. I asked her if she liked Hannah Montana. She said no; she liked to wear these socks, because she got to step on Miley Cyrus every time she walked. I love this kid.

I'm suspended from school for 3 months...... A few weeks ago my best friends mum was diagnosed with cancer. I held her while she was crying infront of everyone in the corridor at school. One of the popular kids came up to her and said 'Just get over it' I've never hit anyone harder.

When I die, friends will go to my funeral, good friends will cry at my funeral, but my best friend will change my facebook status to "Chilin' with Jesus"

Everybody thinks that a girls dream is to find the perfect guy....... pppfffftttt yeah right, our dream is to eat without getting fat.

There was a blind girl who hated herself just because she was blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her. She said that if she could only see the world, she would marry her boyfriend. One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her and then she could see everything, including her boyfriend. Her boyfriend asked her, "now that you can see the world, will you marry me?" The girl was shocked when she saw that her boyfriend was blind too, and refused to marry h

Guy: Do you want a hug? Girl: No. Guy:Do you even know what I just said? Girl: Yea Guy: What did I say then? Girl:Do you want a hug? Guy: Well, if you insist

Girl: Heyy:) BOY:hey GIRL: I like you:) BOY: wow. GIRL: What?? you don't like me???? BOY: no GIRL: wow you are so nice :'( BOY: why are you crying?? GIRL: You don't like me :'( BOY: well you never asked if i love you:) GIRL: well do you?! BOY: Lol no.

Ladies Can You Explain This: I never understood how if a woman is in her pants and bra, it's not acceptable. But if she's in a bikini then its ok? I mean, whats the difference?

A day before mothers day, a man stopped at a flower shop to order some flowers to be wired to his mother who lived two hundred miles away. As he got out of his car he noticed a young girl sitting on the curb sobbing. He asked her what was wrong and she replied, I wanted to buy a red rose for my mother.But I only have seventy-five cents, and a rose costs two dollars The man smiled and said, Come on in with me. I'll buy you a rose. He bought the little girl her rose and ordered his own mother's fl

i don't care if you're black, white, straight, bisexual, gay, lesbian, short, tall, fat, skinny, rich or poor. If you're nice to me, I'll be nice to you. Simple as that. - Eminem

Hey, I'm a guy. I'm single. I would never cheat on you. I would always text you first, tell you that you're beautiful every day, say I love you in front of my friends, never choose my video games over you, protect you, try my best to never make you cry, hold you and never let you go, kiss you in the pouring rain. Yes, ladies, I do exist. No, I'm not gay. Stop dating douche-bags and jerks. Date me

"Why BRA sizes are measurd as A,B,C,D,E,F not 1,2,3,4,5, because... A=As flat as Airport runway B=Barely Seen C=Comfortable D=Damn Gud E=Enormous F=Fake."

I'm a girl. I don't smoke. I don't drink. I don't party every weekend. I don't wear three inches of makeup. I don't put sultry pictures of my bra showing online. I don't make out with loads of guys, or other girls, to get attention. I'm a girl, and I'm me. And I'm not going to change for anyone.

I've been in 2 milleniums, 2 centuries, 3 decades, seen the 1st black president of the USA, the falling of the twin towers, Bin Landen killed, a royal weding between at prince and commoner and the end of the world. I'm not even 20 yet

Mom: Where were you last night? Son: Studying with my friends. Mom: Don't lie. Son: Alright, I was at a stripper club. Mom: DID YOU SEE ANYTHING THERE THAT YOU WERE NOT SUPPOSED TO SEE?!?!? Son: yeh...I saw dad

I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"

And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."

I'm a liar because I won't tell you everything. I'm stupid because sometimes I'm wrong. I'm ugly because sometimes my face isn't perfect. I'm a pushover because I like making people happy. I'm a loser because I'm not friends with your group. I'm fake because I'm too nice. I'm weird because I'm not like you. I'm fat because I eat when I'm hungry. I'm clingy because I don't like to be alone.Im sorry for being myself. actually im not sorry at all

Seeing Your Ex And Thinking, I've Definately Done My Bit For Charity

Hitting every button to stop the last message on your phone from being sent

Turning the exam paper before it starts because you're a fearless bastard.

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